I wonder if new batteries in my milk frother feels to my coffee and creamer what a fully charged vibra… you know what, never mind.
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Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.