Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.

4-year-old: Dad?

Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.

4:

Me:

4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?

Now I’m awake.

I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich

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Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.

Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”

Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”

Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”

Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.

“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.

If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless

If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.

Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.

Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’

Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?

Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.

Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.

This makes total sense…

Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot

how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me

Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?

*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance

Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.

Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?

Me: A lot.

Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”

My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before

You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.

*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*

When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion

I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39