Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted

Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!

My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over

idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go

I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.

teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind

40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos

STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?

CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—

CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.

When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent

Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.

It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.

[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day

God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then

I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”

[Date]

Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs

Dog: can i eat this?

Me: no i was just-

Dog: [swallowing] thanks

FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota

Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.

BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES

For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved

[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time

Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift

Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.

[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal

If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.

Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.

Her: What if there’s lightning?

Me: Then you get to be on top…

Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.

don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s

Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull

What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?

Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”

HER: NNNNNNNN

ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]

HER: ZZZZZZZZ