I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
You Might Also Like
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
Thrilling chase underway
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
That lamp looks PISSED.
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”