Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox

I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.

“Your tattoos will look dumb when you’re older” buddy, I look dumb right now. My tattoos have a lot of catching up to do

5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?

me: no, there’s no oxygen

5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?

me: then yes

5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?

me: then no

5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?

me: is someone paying you to do this?

Nine: There’s safety in numbers

Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*

Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.

Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]

[being murdered]

Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?

my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.

An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.

Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?

Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”

Your honor, my client wasn’t trying to stab the victim. He was checking to see if he was cake

STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.

I wish I was a better person

genie: kind of a low bar but ok

carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled

guys i’ve cracked the code

Me: I don’t think this is going to work

Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people

M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under

My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic

I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.

I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.

*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.

doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]

[at the club]

*crawling around on the floor*

HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?

In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine

i did the math

My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.

My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.

Lmfao

I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”