Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.

There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.

Relationship Status:

My dog was just licking my ear.

I didn’t stop her.

Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is

Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!

Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?

Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…

{during sex}
him: i’m sorry, did you just say “faster, papa smurf”

It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.

Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*

which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.

SMS passcode is 1477178 in case anyone needed it. They said to not share it but I’m trying to live in an abundance mindset

On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.

Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.

Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear

You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.

Sometimes I spell my name (bob) backwards just to see who’s paying attention.

When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.

LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore

CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*

the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help

I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.

I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.

went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security

[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottle

Waiter: One ketchup coming up

Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.

3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.

The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.

charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not

You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address

People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.

COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.

ME: You mean, don’t take?

COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.

Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.