I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
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My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
Tier 3 meme
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
I’m looking for a new telekinesis class. My old one moved unexpectedly
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be poor this Christmas
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”