I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
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Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.