I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
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Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
Folks ask me if I ever get tired of putting smiles on the faces of kids and their families in my job as a theme park mascot and my answer is always the same: God yes, are there any openings where you work?
I bought a bag of top soil to repair my lawn and as I was leaving, the cashier yelled “GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR HOLE!”
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
sliding into dms like
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
When someone says “I expected more of you”, I’m always like “well who’s fault is that?”
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
This was the best day of my life
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist