*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
I wonder if ppl who design new kinds of toilet paper ever think,”Why do we ever try? ppl are gonna shit all over this new design”
You Might Also Like
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
Me: *goes to jail for murdering coworkers*
Boss: You’re still coming in early tomorrow, right?
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches