The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
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I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.