I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
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I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
Kentucky names the shit out of places
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
Are people born with photographic memories or do they take time to develop ??
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video