Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things

He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.

– E.T. (1982) PG

Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!

This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.

I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.

Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…

Bullshit.

What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.

“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.

[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal

“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level

“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next

If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.

i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)

[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]

My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.

Hey pals! I’ve been on a break from making comics but you can read two new ones right here:

Me: you need to pick up your Legos

4: can I ask you something first

M:

4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that

M:

4: I think that’s the best plan

M: um, no

4: screams

[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.

The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.

The British sentence that is never complete:

“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”

What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.

It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.

Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.

ME: i’m gonna join the army

HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus

A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!

So I killed her.

gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction

Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life

[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”

She took all my money, called me fat, AND stabbed me in the arm. I hate doctor appointments.

[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.

*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party

There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.