Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.

“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”

Sucks in stomach. Another chin pops out.

Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.

Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?

Guys when life is tough and you feel nothing is going your way, remember, things could always be worse. You could have to take a shit at a music festival.

[Watching “Alien” with my son]

Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared

Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.

To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later

My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years

Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??

Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..

(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?

Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?

Yes…

I retweet.

Isn’t that kinda the point?

Spread the love and shit?

Mostly shit…

But that’s your fault…

That incredible ability of cats to only throw up on carpeted floors.

Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”

When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.

Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125

I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.

I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.

When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.

Difficult, not impossible

A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.

[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave

had my yearly physical and the dr signed me up for flu & covid vaccine and i had to tell her no & explain i am not an antivaxer i just always get my covid shot the night before the phillies have an afternoon playoff game so i can use my vaccine pto to stay home from work to watch

[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*

“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”

*Hipsters clear*

ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.

5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?

Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it

5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?

Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover

I have discovered a lipstick which is guaranteed to help with weight loss

It’s called Elmer’s All Purpose Glue Stick

Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.

washing hands before coronavirus:

– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off water

washing hands after coronavirus:

– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one

I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.