Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year

It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.

Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.

Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.

Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.

A hacker called me and said he had all my passwords. I got a pen and paper and said ‘Thank God for that, what are they?’

*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant

“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.

this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista

dinosaur: omg a meteor

tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*

Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔

[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body

Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:

1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene

I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.

[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football

I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.

See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.

I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.

If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg

Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich

I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”

You think you’re ageing well and then you feel an earlobe hair blowing in the wind

Me: ‘I miss you.’

The Point: ‘No shit.’

When you’ve been debugging for hours and the issue was a missing semicolon, you appreciate the little things. Also, considering a career in farming.

How to shape your eyebrows

A thread

When people talk about someone who died, they’re always like “They had the biggest heart, they would have done anything for you,” but I feel like when I die they’ll be like “She would sometimes text you some halfhearted advice.”

*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf

God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.

Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”

Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?

Me: no idea.

Daughter: a Dinosnore : )

Me: [sniff].

Daughter: are you crying?

Me: I’m just so proud of you.

Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot

In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.