Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous

*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*

Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?

If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…

Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.

I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.

Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.

[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish

Pretty much! 😂👀

The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.

Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!

At first I was afraid, I was petrified.

Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.

Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.

I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal

[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]

There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.

I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.

I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end

Sex so good your binoculars fog up.

[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]

Board: B A L L

Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!

Board: T R E A T S

i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.

Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.

My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.

*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.

I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba

Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart

I guess we don’t have a roomba

[job interview]

Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”

Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”

Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”

“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”

“Yeah….so is a grenade”

I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.

Penguins walking in 5x speed

My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.

Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.

One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero

Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.

No weirdos.

‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’

-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.