Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family

A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.

Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!

*sniff* Don’t try to console me

Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?

2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*

Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?

A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.

I’m in a really bad place right now*

*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house

If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.

Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory

Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits

I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.

I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.

10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?

Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]

I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.

I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.

I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney

Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap

I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around

I adopted a rock.

He just sits there and does nothing all day.

It still beats raising Kylo.

If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.

Her: I want you to leave me breathless

Me: *hides her inhaler

My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.

I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.

I wouldn’t recommend it.

People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.

My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.

I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.

IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*

Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT

please don’t get up in the snake’s face to see if it’s more diamond or oval

just leave the danger noodle alone

sincerely,

a medical toxicologist

Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.

Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow