I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
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Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Ah. I see you moved your horsey piece to that other square. Intriguing gambit.
*orders delivery*
I was really excited to see the Wicked movie until it got shoved down my throat in product placements. Now I just want to drop a house on the marketing director. And steal their shoes
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.