Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.

“Can I be honest with you?”

“Yes.”

“You don’t know me at all do you?”

Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.

[Social Media Addiction Club]

Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.

*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.

when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.

“You are what you eat.”

I’m about 90% burrito.

barbara was highly relatable

My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?

Me: No

Son: he’s in the ICU

These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.

*puts finger over your lips*

Shhhhhhhhhhhhh

*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*

This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be

Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology

Elevators frighten me. I take steps to avoid them.

A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.

[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁

can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again

“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.

My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.

My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.

It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.

Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.

doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died

my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar

Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?

Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*

invited to a party: will there be food?

to a wedding: will there be food?

to the gym: will there be food?

to an orgy: will there be food?

to an intervention: will there be food?

to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?

Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.

Double negatives are never not confusing.

writer: you know how cats chase mice?

producer: yea?

writer: this one has a twist

producer: *leaning back* go on

writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat

producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!

writer: i call it tom & jerry

producer: *wiping tears* those are my names

UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over

Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.

My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?

Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES