I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
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I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
5 ways to appear taller