I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
You Might Also Like
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
My firstborn put our house on Yelp and left a review stating the food is great but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
As an actor, I do my best work when jobs call me as a reference for my friends
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
ME: I really think I could win Survivor!
ME AFTER EXPERIENCING A SLIGHT BREEZE SANS JACKET: I will never go outside again.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
There is no try. There is only give up.
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
At the beginning of the week our boss told us to not talk this week because ownership was visiting which is insane but today I learned there was an office pool to see how long before I yapped and it was over $500 I’m reporting the winner to the IRS