I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
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Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.