Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.

Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.

Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant

Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.

All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.

My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.

Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69

Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??

Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.

*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*

That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.

[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?

P: No, there hasn’t.

Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]

Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.

[inventing colonization]

britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable

I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts

I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”

Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”

Nothing sucks more than a Monday.

Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!

I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal

“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”

-Me, breaking up a cat fight.

[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”

[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?

[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”

Therapist: What is your greatest fear

Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life

Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*

When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.

As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.

After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.

I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.

The vet looked me over.

He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.

Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully

A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.

*flashes smile*

*smile calls police*

*alien probing me

Me: Ok a little to the left

Alien: I SAID STOP THAT