Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sometimes when I don’t want to pay the $100 therapy copay I go to my friend’s house and talk extra loud until her husband who’s working on his psych PhD goes “do you mind if I say something”

Girl on the train complimented me and said I was funny, responded with “thanks, it’s all I have” and the rest of the train gave me a worried look

Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.

“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:

I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.

My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.

I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.

I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.

Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.

Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.

*pulls up to drive thru window

Hi yes, do you guys deliver?

I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.

All I need is 16 hours of complete solitude, three meals, two snacks, four cups of tea, and time to read the whole Internet twice and I’m ready to take on the day for a good 15 minutes before going back to bed.

[At the funfair]

*Fire alarm sounds*

Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.

HIM: I love reading big novels.

ME: No kidding, so do I!

*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*

My grandmother’s secret ingredient?

Cigarette ashes

Before therapy: I hate people

After therapy: I hate therapists

Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me

In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.

“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]

Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.

Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode

please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s

can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in

I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.

-me as a witness, describing the murderer

Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?

One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.

I think he’s my soulmate.

People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.

Gyms are open !

Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)

Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children

Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.