Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.

*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*

*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!

Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.

did it work

I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”

i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year

How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube

Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon

I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me

if i had an evangelical homie i’d be doing this all the time

Instead of texting “here”, last night one of my friends knocked my front door just like our ancestors used to

Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house

[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED

Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.

our love story in four pictures

My reactions

1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.

[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”

[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.

I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster

pirate: walk the plank

someone’s dad: is this teak?

At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.

My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.

Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.

Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!

Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.

[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s

My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!

Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!

Okay so this is wild. I’m using this ticket machine in Japan and it malfunctions and doesn’t give me my change.

Suddenly, a panel in the wall opens in the wall and a guy appears and tells me to hold on and then gives me my change.