Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cake hits so much harder off a plastic fork.

My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched

When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.

I miss childhood because my back didn’t hurt and I didn’t have to make dinner every night

was in a meeting that ran over by about 20 minutes and the presenter was not even close to being finished

until a very exasperated nigerian colleague unmuted herself to announce loudly “i am very unhappy with you, barry”

[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah

rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days

barista: oh no

RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.

I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.

The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?

Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive

For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective

Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-

Me: Drinks?

W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY

Me: Margarita?

My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.

*Looks left*

*Looks right*

*Crosses road*

*Gets run over by chicken*

I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat

You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.

“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”

Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns

When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion

Might start signing off emails with ‘well I hope you’re happy’

I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.

Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.

Me: What if the pig eats them?

Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.

Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.

This girl has such star power. She so clearly exemplifies the disgust in this image & pulls the emotional weight for her less-committed peers imo

My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.

Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.

Then they finished in eight.

me: the most exercise I get is from sex

friend: but you’re so out of shape

Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans

turtleneck: oooh cozy

mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY

My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….

I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead