I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
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I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty