I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
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Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
There’s anxiety and then there’s my 4yo counting to 10 really fast because we’re playing hide and seek and oh my gosh I haven’t found a hiding spot yet
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
My kids refused to let me “friend” them on Facebook, as they didn’t want me to see what they were up to. So I created an account for the family dog, they immediately friended and I can see everything.