I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
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“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
Risking my life for fun.
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
In 2020, five African grey parrots at a wildlife park in Lincolnshire had to be separated after they were found to be encouraging one another to swear. The park’s CEO commented, “We are quite used to parrots swearing… but for some reason these five relish it.”
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
Watching the Hunger Games with my 9yo and she says, “Why can’t they just move to Canada where it’s peaceful?”
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.