Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since

Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?

I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.

[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale

Found this absolute gem on the floor at work???

me: I need tires

michelin: here you go

me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant

michelin: you’re not gonna believe this

i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery

This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋

My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family

I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.

I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.

Papa Bear: this is the best porridge ever? What’s the secret ingredient?

Mama Bear: remember that whiny brat that kept complaining about the temperature?

When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.

Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.

I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.

Me: NO!

Him: What? I haven’t even said anything

Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to

Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face

When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?

I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…

For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…

So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —

And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out

I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now

I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!

hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)

Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?

Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:

I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that

I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”

I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.

My dad is in Hawaii for travel…

boss:

me:

boss:

me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]