Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?

My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa

I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.

I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then

This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.

North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons

My wife is talking about the seriousness of hazardous waste and I’m eating ham (that I hid in a tricky corner of a fitted sheet while pretending to fold it) and wow it’s crazy, right?!
*slowly chews the ham*

I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.

DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-

ME: Launchpad McQuack

HIM: I don’t think you underst-

ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏

I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.

I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…

If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.

My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.

*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*

Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”

Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.

Google search history:

Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet

Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this

I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.

I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly

I’m ready for Halloween this year

RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is

My son found me crying in the kitchen, wrapped his arms around me and whispered, “Is it because of your hair?” Now I’m crying for two reasons.

I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..

My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.

You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.

me: [kicking leaves in the park]

wife: how are you getting your leg so high

going to the ER y’all need anything

him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.

My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.