I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
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I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
I’d use my best pan on you.
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters