I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
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[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
pelicons
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
I heard on the news that some guy was stealing wheels off police cars. The police are working tirelessly to catch him.
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
My son called someone a rascal. I thought he turned 11 a couple weeks ago but clearly it was 80
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
I asked my 6 year old if he wanted to try out again for the school play and he said no I think I’ll take a break from Hollywood.
At the aquarium yesterday, my kid asked, “The sharks aren’t allowed to eat the other fish, right?” So if anyone asks, aquarium sharks are vegetarian
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?