Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.

We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning

—my thighs lying about the friction this summer

I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.

MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF

me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this

“Oh, I get it!”

– Me, when I didn’t get it.

Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.

It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.

Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets

Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?

Nothing worse than when I turn up to Park Run to find it is indeed going ahead

GOOD COP: Tell us what you know

BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat

DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT

Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.

Me: *they’re.

Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.

It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.

Date: You seem close to your mom

Me: I am

Mom: It is a small table for 3

I cannot begin to describe to you all how refreshing it is to me to finally see the real issues of our times being addressed

The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.

*gets filled with hope*

Hope: *has a leak*

i’m so sick of this guy

me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,

Still my favorite headline of all time:

Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.

Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.

Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.

She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.

She starts the blender reluctantly.

In the distance, screams.

The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.

Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?

Arm falls off

Wife: You don’t drink enough water.

Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)