I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
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“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
only 11 steps left
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
This is the one
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
3yo (confidently): But Mommy, people do not eat cows.
Me: Uh, bud, we do. Hamburgers are made of cow.
3yo (uncertain laughter): Mommy, that is funny for pretend. But I mean for REAL.
Me: Yes, for real!
3yo (w/ scorn) No.
Me: What do you think burgers are made of?
3yo: People?😶
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
Proctologist = Analyst
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’