I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
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Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
Absolutely fucking crushed it on teams today lads
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
Can’t tell who liked my tweet so from here on out, I will assume every like is coming from my crush.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u