I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
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My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
this got me crying😭😭
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.