I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
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Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
Top of the ramen to ya, laddies
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.