I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
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ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
[sits down for a minute]
*gets up three hours later*
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?