I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
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When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
My neighbor said he heard me having sex today but it was just me standing in front of my air conditioner.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
bruh why was i singing a song in the uber and the driver was like “nah u havin too much fun” and changed the song ????😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
My dad after seeing my solo show this weekend:
“you know, that easily could have been a Netflix special … The quality on those has really gone down a lot”
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
Frankly I don’t know why anybody of Biden or Trump’s age would *want* to be President. I’m 60 and I don’t even want to go upstairs.
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it