Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I asked my mom about parenting and she said: “the first 40 years are the hardest.”

Her oldest child is 38. 🤣

Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.

Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.

After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.

thats my bad

“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”

I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”

Caught my daughter eating 6 mini cupcakes and I should probably ground her but if you think about it it’s really like 2 cupcakes so I’m fine with it.

I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520

How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?

Oh hi lol

A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?

When I was a kid, I had an imaginary friend named Jeff. On my 8th birthday, I asked my dad if he could come to my party and he said “Jeff got arrested for stealing a horse.”

A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.

Step One: Have kids.

My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.

“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”

Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.

*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone

*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this

How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight

3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.

the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity

That’s “Mr. Human Scum” to you, buddy.

I’m not afraid of ghosts because everyone who’s mad at me is still alive.

Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit

three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode

My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses

can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this

I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.

Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!

T-REX *runs past me*

ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush

T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first

Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.