Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.

My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.

If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.

“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journey

Punching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King

It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.

I like the concept of restaurant appetizers: “Bring me something to eat. And bring me something else to eat while I’m waiting.”

My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.

<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>

Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.

Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.

I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.

Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge

flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!

her: i’m a doctor

my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you

me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-

my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor

10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?

Me: I sure did.

10: Did you have electricity?

We learned by candlelight.

Me: what is my final challenge

*dragon appears*

Me: oh no

Dragon: spell necessary

Me: OH NO

I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.

I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.

My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.

Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations

B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhrist

A.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight

Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”

Pence: “Fewer!”

Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”

All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.

Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.

I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.

I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.

If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.

Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.

But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.

A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.

That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.

Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?

Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.

Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?

Date: I don’t see a future for us.

I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron

I’m just playing devils avocado here