Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet

Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.

I never used to worry about death but now I’m terrified it will break my winning wordle streak.

Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites

“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!

Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.

How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”

Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.

[me on Ellen}

Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions

Me: that’s right Ellen

Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths

[job interview]

“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”

Getting asked this question somewhere else

i was dropped as an adult

I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.

I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.

I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!

Said by nobody.

Ever.

Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.

Me:

Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…

Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.

Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.

Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.

Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.

In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.

Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.

Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.

Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.

COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?

Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.

Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.

Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..

BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired

me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish

health inspector: so you see why this is happening

I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.

Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.