I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
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*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
it may seem bad right now, but at least everyone is armed. and completely unhinged.
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
My Uber driver has crazy rules. I can talk, but anything I say can be used against me in a court of law?
It’s also kind of alarming that he has a full laptop setup and a shotgun in his front seat.
The cuffs I understand. Never can be too careful.
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly