Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.

Donating blood today to make room for more food

I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato

There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.

what?

Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.

I’ll get you a towel.

ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing

HER: no I just said that I do pilates

ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land

Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”

I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.

Active voice: I loved your book

Passive voice: Your book was loved

Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book

Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?

wife: the turn was back there

me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much

wife: my name is karen

me: ughh this is different, karen

NEW LAUNDRY RULES!

1. IF IT COMES TO ME INSIDE OUT, YOU GET IT BACK INSIDE OUT!

2. IF IT COMES TO ME RUMPLED IN A BALL, YOU GET IT BACK RUMPLED IN A BALL!

3. IF IT COMES TO ME WITH $20 IN THE POCKET, OK ACTUALLY I’M KEEPING THAT.

My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.

I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play

*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*

🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶

*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*

I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.

gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse

I often miss my train in the morning. And during the rest of the day. I never should have given away that train

you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type

This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.

*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*

Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.

GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?

ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?

HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.

People are always calling me “Einstein” so I know I’m super duper smart.

What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?

Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.

almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free

How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?

Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

these two trucks have the same bed length