Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: anything interesting happen today?

my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.

“What’s funny?”

The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.

“Why’s that funny?”

Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.

Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?

Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.

I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.

Plants are like “I’ll have a light lunch.”

My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.

My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.

The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate

impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven

Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!

[1st date]

Him: Do you like magic?

Her: I LOVE MAGIC

Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]

Her: *Screams*

Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.

13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.

Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.

13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”

Do I fail parenting now?

5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.

put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control

{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.

did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,

My life coach traded me.

tis the season

Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO

Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)

I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”

“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.

‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’

sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them

I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”

My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE

Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please

I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.

Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.

“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park