I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
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eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day