I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
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HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
“Where do you think you’re going?”
“Band practice, I told you.”
“Is your homework done?”
“Yes, DAD.”
“Be home by 6 for dinner.”
“But-“
“No buts, Mom’s making your favorite.”
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.