I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
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*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
people keep asking my pregnant ass what my cravings are. when you ask me that question my craving becomes a gun and a double shot of whiskey
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
Free on bail. Time to pay some meddling kids a visit.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
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[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
i overpaid one of my credit cards by $20, and now they keep tryna send me cheques and begging me to cash it cause now THEY owe ME interest. I don’t think so queen, let’s see how YOU like it
Just opened 3 birthday cards and so far I have 80 bucks.
I love being a postman.