Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.

[guy who’s about to invent urinals]

*peeing* i hate having privacy

I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.

My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them

A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.

Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes

If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention

Spelling is important because I finally received my Male order bride, Brian.

My son found me crying in the kitchen, wrapped his arms around me and whispered, “Is it because of your hair?” Now I’m crying for two reasons.

divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭

I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.

Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.

I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.

Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes

Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism

Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.

Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.

The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.

I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.

*I’ll show myself out*

Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.

*first day as mall Santa

“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”

Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.

My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?

[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT

Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.

I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey

dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*

a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs

I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”

“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on