Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet

I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.

Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.

I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.

My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…

Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.

My head is starting to get dented from hitting rock bottom so often.

ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something

Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.

I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!

I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality

Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog: There is snow in my paw and now you must carry me.

I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.

[detention facility]

Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?

Jeoff: loitering

My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.

I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it

I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.

A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon

Looking for investors

Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.

The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water

Therefore the Earth is flat.

[before kids]

“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”

[3 years in]

“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”

If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.

I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.

Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr

[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]

Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?

Thinking outside the box.. 😅

Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”

Me: We’re ordering pizza.

8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!

Me: We order pizza every week.

8: I have lots of best days.

We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too