I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
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My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
mamma mia! is such a fascinating paradox… italian phrase as its name, it takes place in greece. the songs are from a swedish band. british supporting cast, living around greek people, and the main characters have american accents. no one knows how to sing, but everyone is drunk
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
I think I look pretty okay for my age. It’s just when I hold menus two feet from my face that I know the ruse is up.
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.