Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.

Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”

Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”

Cop: …

After saying something bold, scandalous and outrageous always follow up with, “That’s right. I said it!” Otherwise they’ll mistakenly believe what you said was dull and hardly worth saying. Just more of the pointless droning , on and on, they’ve come to expect from you.

What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?

I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.

Salad was likely invented after someone picked everything they didn’t like out of their meal and put it on a separate plate.

My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.

I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.

I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.

My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.

Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.

God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!

Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something

I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.

Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.

But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.

😁

Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.

Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.

Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?

PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?

SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.

A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.

Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.

[bank robbery]

OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!

[dave starts doing the electric slide]

Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money

My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week

Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.

favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.

*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?

The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.

My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.

I’m sorry.

*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curves

Me, taking off my Spanx: behold

Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!

Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?

[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.

Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.

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