I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
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Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
The next James Bond should be weird. Like he wears a train conductor’s hat and he’s afraid of balloons
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
Karate and loose meat sandwiches.
Welcome to Sloppy Dojo’s. I’ll be your sensei for this evening.
All salads come with our own roundhouse dressing
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
🎵 I can’t wait to
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
