I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
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[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
something like this could probably happen to anyone
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
Never skip the footnotes – it’s here you find out who made the author angry enough to write the article.
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.