Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.

Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”

me: how can I impress my date

friend: take her to your favorite food place

me: ok

[later]
her: that’s was really nice

my mom: you’re welcome

him: what are you looking for on this dating site?

me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.

My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.

[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]

Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.

*Show and tell day*

Me: You know what to do?

Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”

Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl

The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.

Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you

31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.

I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.

I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.

*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*

The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it

My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.

Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster

So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.

“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”

can’t bark with your mouth full

I get it fireworks, people set me off too.

Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.

I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.

Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man

I started to call my friend “bro” but decided mid-word to switch to “dude” so it came out as “boo” and there’s just no recovering from that

ME: I want to take long walks with you.

HER: Aww…are you a romantic?

ME: No, I don’t have a car.

[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here

That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.

My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up

[End of day 1, building Rome]

BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss

BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks

*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*

Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.