Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!

My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées

Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.

Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow

Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait

When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted

People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges

*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…

wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma

Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31

Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.

Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT

[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no

H: “Whatcha doing?”

Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”

H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”

Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”

My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”

Me: Try this chocolate chip.

3 year-old: Okay!

[gives him coffee bean]

3: UGH, YUCK!

-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.

it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk

*Husband forgets to close screen on door*

*4 hrs later*

Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*

Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.

I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.

My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.

Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.

Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.

i think my razor is having a panic attack

Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever

My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.

Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.

50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud

If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.

someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc

I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.

My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me

My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.