Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.

[fans out the deck]

Pick a card, any card..

Memorize it..

[hits you in the face with a shovel]

KING OF SPADES!

[walks off]

if there is a particular food you would like your children to eat less, just go buy a massive box of it at Costco

[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo

for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”

Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine

Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.

“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.

Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)

SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!

ME: Grandma?

Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.

Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.

the cia shot me with their diarrhea gun

Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat

Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.

Her: Do you like this outfit?

Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?

Her: Changing.

Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!

Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.

WIFE: *on our wedding night* Don’t you think today was just perfect?

ME: [remembering how I wanted a Flintstones themed wedding but was told no] I yabba dabba do not Sharon, tbh.

[the invention of tennis]

“I don’t want this ball.”

“Well, I don’t want it either.”

8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?

Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts

8: Can we buy some after he dies?

Me: Sure

snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?

JOKER: Why so serious

ME: Have you seen the news?

JOKER: Ok fair

I’m pushing for thankgiving to be at my place because I’m not a good cook, but according to every underdog sports movie I’ve ever seen, the higher the stakes the likelier it’ll all work out

I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.

[aliens arrive]

people: *screaming crying hiding*

me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*

Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.

Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?

My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.

Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.

You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work

My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!

My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?

Your move, grandpa.