Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

-911 what’s your emergency?

-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.

Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.

Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said

opening twitter before 9am is crazy like did you even try to have a good day

Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶

*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*

Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”

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Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?

[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]

Me: creative differences

My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead

if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs

[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.

I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”

My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.

girls in high school: we don’t like you

me: what if i was funny

girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-

me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class

“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly

A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever

“What?”
– Jude

I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.

Except you. You get under me.

Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!

the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.

My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.

[Deathbed]

Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo

Frodo: yes Gandalf?

Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say

Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?

Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way

Me: What’s your strongest weakness?

Candidate: …

*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up

M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!

So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.

I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.

WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys

ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?

jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!

I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box

Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.