Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[creating the armadillo]

GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very

I am all good here, 😂😉

why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police

Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.

Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.

Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.

We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.

Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”

The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.

#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill

The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.

My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.

A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera

bringing 3 beans to the state fair so I can use them to barter for cows

My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.

there is no greater joy than helping to make a friend’s dream come true

Women aren’t hard to read

For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out

You’re done bro

We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right

When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.

Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.

[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh

Him: The last couple of years have been tough.

Me: Tell me about it!

Him: Well, two years ago I…

Me: Don’t really, though.

Delicious if literal: in a pickle.

Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter

[scene of car accident]

bystander: is your baby ok

me: no he’s a complete jerk

My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.

are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]

When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.

Me: I’m not delusional.

Squirrel: There she goes again.

Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.

do not feed a big man 12 eggs a day. you super charge a big man’s egg power levels to that extent he will devour your other family members. trust me I learned this the hard way