I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
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Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
Sharon, call the vet
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
I’m throwing a surprise 40th birthday party for my friend this weekend. He’s 34 so it’ll definitely work.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
The Birdles
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
