I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
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What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
Me sliding into hell like
mom had nothing to worry about
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
new year update: losing everything but weight
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
Sticker placement is key.
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.