I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
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You wish you had this many chins.
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
can’t get enough of this specific type of Olympic event. happy to hear arguments for others
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
seems like a niche market
