I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
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Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
Adultry does not sound fun at all
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it