I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
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To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
No better way for a child to learn how to spell than by having to save a man from hanging to death.
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
Free will was a bad idea.
I should have charged for it.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
WEBSITE: Forgetting something? We noticed you left something in your basket
MOSES’S PARENTS: ummm…
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t