I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
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I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
did it work
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff