I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
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My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
I may forget what I opened the fridge for but I remember every time anyone has ever wronged me
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
if my sleeping schedule was a person
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
The kid next to me on the flight sang we don’t talk about bruno pretty much the entire time and had the audacity to keep calling me mom
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat