I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
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I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
“The lights are on but nobody’s home” is such a brutal way to say somebody’s dumb 😭😭😭😭😭
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place