Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guy on an electric bike asked if I was single and I told him I’m not really “into dating right now” and he said “that’s cool” and let me ride his very cool electric bike but when it was over he said “that’s what you’re missing” and scooted off into the distance

There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.

Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…

imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you

My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move

– a parenting memoir

Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”

Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]

[Later]

Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.

*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania

lawyer: just say you were with a friend

me: ok

[later]
cop: where were you that night?

me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend

Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.

TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.

NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team

Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.

If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.

Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.

[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse

I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…

… and that world peace thing.

my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper

All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.

4: How do you spell no?

Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?

4: Batman?

(Spelling is hard)

Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.

Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.

Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.

My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place

Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.

Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.

*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins

My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’

Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.

It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.

I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.