I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
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“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
To whomever keeps trying to access my Microsoft Office account:
Bro, I don’t even wanna be in there.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
Therapist: and what do we do about people who hurt us
Me: we go to a cemetery and fill up a jar of cemetery dirt, add a piece of their hair and fingernail clippings, add a chicken bone then scream at it for a month?
Therapist: NO
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
Interviewer: Your resume states that you can dunk?
Me: Are you going to test me?
Interviewer: No, I’m more curious about why you would put that-
Me: Oh well then yeah I can dunk
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
an I working from home…. or living at work? 🤔🤔🤔
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
I was feeling lonely so I bought some shares.
It’s nice to have some company
