Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.

Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.

Moving on.

[bedtime]

daughter: dad, i’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while i’m sleeping

me: don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first

daughter: …

me: night, sweetheart

me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free

wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?

me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free

Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost

How to find out if you old.

(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.

Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.

Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol

Benihana Chef: ha ha

Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much

yeah not falling for this one

I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.

[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway

Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over

Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it

Her: idk google it

Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting

Her: *googling DIY annulment*

“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.

Family Celebrity

If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.

Walgreens guy: You still need to leave

My 7 year old asked me why my brother’s family “only eats 3 meals a day” and that should tell you everything you need to know about my grocery bill.

Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading

Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.

cop: show me your hands

dahmer: *opens fridge*

[sets up grandfather’s first computer]

ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.

[phone rings one hour later]

ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.

Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.

i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.

The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.

first wiseman: i brought you gold

second wiseman: i brought you frankincense

third wiseman: i brought you myrrh

fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself

mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down

Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers

when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect

doctor: this may hurt

me: june doesn’t look much better