I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
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“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!