I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
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Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
Don’t forget to tip your server
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
this article brought to you by lions
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?