I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
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My default excuse for cancelling plans is “poetry.” No one has ever asked me to elaborate.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
My beach vacation Google searches
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.