Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most

batman [clenching fist]: pancakes

robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what

I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face

We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.

SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures

I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”

Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?

[1st date]

Me: “So, what do you do?”

Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”

Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”

I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.

*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”

reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery

me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes

This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?

So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.

FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?

ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it

some Old Testament wisdom

Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory

Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits

Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…

John Mayer first drafts.

*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird

I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.

Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior

Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.

[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree

I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help

To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, access

Then check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check it

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)

I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.

Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb

Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?

“…just don’t tell your mother.”

LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!

This took me a second..

[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.

If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.